Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Things i have to deal with

One of the main problems that i have to deal with at the moment is my mother.
She's crazy as hell and is Asian.
I'm real sick of her shit and I'm real sick of the shit she says.
I hate listening to her talk and I wish I could just leave and never return.
Listening to the shit she says really gets to me. It makes me feel like I need to cry myself to sleep every night.
Self pity myself because all the shit she says makes me think it's true.
She says I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm useless. I am worthless. I'm lazy. I can't do anything.
I am nothing yet I am the problem to everything.

I get told this everyday ever since I was 10. I will probably hear for the rest of my life too.
I'm so god damn motherfucking sick of this shit.
I just want to run away but no. I'm stuck in this trap hell hole that she made for me.
I can't escape and there's nothing I can do about it.
What am I supposed to do?
I go to school and I fucking support my mother because she can't get a god damn job.

And you know what sucks more?
She talks shit about my friends and my boyfriend too.
She may seem nice but she'll talk shit about you.
She'll talk shit about everyone like she fucking knows everything in the god damn world.

What makes me more pissed off is when she uses shit against me like my friends death.
She guilt trips the hell out of me and won't let me do anything with my own life.
I can't do anything I want and there's not a god damn thing I can do about it.
I'm basically going to chiropractic school now so that she can get the fuck off my ass about
what I'm going to do with my life. I don't even want to do it but it's better than being a fucking
vet assistant that she forced me to go to and now I have to pay 7,500$ for attending for just 4 months.
I'm stuck in this hole.
And I just can't get out.

It seems like there's always that time of year where she has to fucking ruin my self esteem
Where she has to destroy every bit of myself that I've built up over the past year
and remind me that I can't do shit on my own and that my life is her's to control.
There's nothing I can do about it. I'm so trapped and I just can't find a way out.
I don't know what I'm suppose to do.
I go to school. I work full time.
Yet she yells at me because I don't clean the house and do laundry.
Like I fucking want to do laundry after I get home from 10 hours OF DOING LAUNDRY.
I don't want to do that shit because I'm tired as hell. My job isn't exactly a walk in the park.
I have rough days too and those days I can work up to 11 hours without taking a lunch or break
and you know what, my boss doesn't give a shit. It's always hot as hell in there and
the labor is really hard on someone small like me.
But there's really nothing I can do about it. It's the only job I can get and my
crazy ass asian mother isn't working so I have to support us and pay for everything.

I just don't know what to do any more.
It doesn't help that I have to carry all this burden on my shoulders and
still have to put up with her shit.
I just can't. I complain about this stuff over and over again but nothing is going to change.
My best friend isn't here to listen either so I have to write it all down before I go nuts.
She has complete control over me and my life. I have no room to breath anymore.
I just don't know what to do.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Here I am again.

Just voicing my thoughts.
I thought to try this blogging thing again.
Time and time again I keep trying to write everyday but I just don't have it in me to find the words to write.
I'm sure this is only for myself and no one thinks to care but yeah.

I'm glad to have written some of the things I have down. It really gives me something to reflect on. Sometimes I think that I just have too much time to think. I wish I could think of things to make myself better than what's wrong with my life. I don't understand my thought process either. All I feel like I can do is keep complaining and no move forward. I say these things like "I'll make something of myself. I'll prove it to the world." But realistically what can I do? My friends are out there, making a name for themselves. Doing something for their future. And what am I doing? I'm sitting here writing out my thoughts on this blog because I can't think of anything better to do. I just want to be able to have that drive to be better than what I am now. I want to have a better life and make something of myself.

I want to prove to the world that I am all that. I am someone worthy of the spotlight. I'm sure everyone feels this way. But what is it that normal people can do about it? Sure, I know I have talents in multiple things. I have a good working brain and pretty good looking too. Still I nit pick all of the things wrong with me. All of the things I can't do. I always say that there's so many things I'm good at that I can't choose. But sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at so many things. I wish I was good at one thing and knew what I was going to do with my life through that talent. I want to live a stable life. I want to know that my future is worth living. There's just so many possibilities and it's quite frightening. What if I don't find something to do in my future? What if I'm still stuck in the same rut? I don't want to not know what the future holds for me. I want to be able to take it into my own hands. To be able to mold it the way I want to. But I'm not creative enough to do that. I'm not smart enough to take a hold of my life and make it the way I want. And that makes me feel powerless. It makes me feel worthless.

What is it that I can do for myself? What is it that I can make myself better? How can I become the things I want to be? How can I become better than what I am now? What does my future hold? How can I make a name for myself? How does one break the threshold and become someone people look up to? When I think of these things it frightens me. I'm much weaker than I thought I was. Thinking I'm big and bad doesn't actually give me power. I fear the things I can't do. I can't change my fate and that's what makes me angry. I can't do many things and I can't push forward. I want to move onward. I want to be better. But what can I do to make these things happen? I want to try. I want to be better. Why is it that all my friends are different from me? How is it that they can do the things they want to accomplish and I can't? Perhaps I'm over thinking these things because I'm sure they've had their struggles too.

But what is it that makes them shine? What is it that drives them? Time and time again I talk about becoming famous. I talk about becoming the greatest. But then I look at all the people around me. Passing me. Being the things that I want to be. And I become discouraged and lost in my own self pitying. I put myself down. I keep myself from moving forward. That's my biggest problem. No matter how many times I try to move forward, I push myself down. I am my worst enemy and I know this. I can't fight myself. I fear who I am. I fear myself. So what is it that can help me overcome myself? How do I coexist with the me that puts me down? I have wonderful friends, a wonderful mother, and a beyond wonderful boyfriend that's there for me.

I have more than most, yet I still yearn for a better tomorrow. I suppose it's human nature and it's only natural. There's just no way that I can push past this barrier. One that I have made for myself. Writing this all down helped...really. I understand that I am my own problem. So once I fix myself, only then can I be better. I do want to show the world who I am. I want them to know that I deserve what I work for. To become famous, would be wonderful. But what if I can't reach that point? I don't have that drive I need. So shall I give up? I haven't thought about it in a while. Be a vocalist? Become a voice actor? Become a patisserie? Be a pharmacist? These are all dreams I've had. Every time, I am the one who shoots me down.

My mind always thinks of the 'what if's' because there's so many possibilities, my mind can't focus on
the things that I need to do. The things that I need to accomplish here and now. Yes, probably I'm thinking too far into the future but if I don't, how will I know what to do now? I don't have a solid goal. I guess...that's what I'm afraid of the most. Nearly everyone I know has an idea to what they want to do. I don't. Why can't I be one of those people who has a goal and every time they complete it make a new one? So what do I do? Sit here and wonder what's next? I want to know. I need to know.

What does the future hold for me?