Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Things i have to deal with

One of the main problems that i have to deal with at the moment is my mother.
She's crazy as hell and is Asian.
I'm real sick of her shit and I'm real sick of the shit she says.
I hate listening to her talk and I wish I could just leave and never return.
Listening to the shit she says really gets to me. It makes me feel like I need to cry myself to sleep every night.
Self pity myself because all the shit she says makes me think it's true.
She says I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm useless. I am worthless. I'm lazy. I can't do anything.
I am nothing yet I am the problem to everything.

I get told this everyday ever since I was 10. I will probably hear for the rest of my life too.
I'm so god damn motherfucking sick of this shit.
I just want to run away but no. I'm stuck in this trap hell hole that she made for me.
I can't escape and there's nothing I can do about it.
What am I supposed to do?
I go to school and I fucking support my mother because she can't get a god damn job.

And you know what sucks more?
She talks shit about my friends and my boyfriend too.
She may seem nice but she'll talk shit about you.
She'll talk shit about everyone like she fucking knows everything in the god damn world.

What makes me more pissed off is when she uses shit against me like my friends death.
She guilt trips the hell out of me and won't let me do anything with my own life.
I can't do anything I want and there's not a god damn thing I can do about it.
I'm basically going to chiropractic school now so that she can get the fuck off my ass about
what I'm going to do with my life. I don't even want to do it but it's better than being a fucking
vet assistant that she forced me to go to and now I have to pay 7,500$ for attending for just 4 months.
I'm stuck in this hole.
And I just can't get out.

It seems like there's always that time of year where she has to fucking ruin my self esteem
Where she has to destroy every bit of myself that I've built up over the past year
and remind me that I can't do shit on my own and that my life is her's to control.
There's nothing I can do about it. I'm so trapped and I just can't find a way out.
I don't know what I'm suppose to do.
I go to school. I work full time.
Yet she yells at me because I don't clean the house and do laundry.
Like I fucking want to do laundry after I get home from 10 hours OF DOING LAUNDRY.
I don't want to do that shit because I'm tired as hell. My job isn't exactly a walk in the park.
I have rough days too and those days I can work up to 11 hours without taking a lunch or break
and you know what, my boss doesn't give a shit. It's always hot as hell in there and
the labor is really hard on someone small like me.
But there's really nothing I can do about it. It's the only job I can get and my
crazy ass asian mother isn't working so I have to support us and pay for everything.

I just don't know what to do any more.
It doesn't help that I have to carry all this burden on my shoulders and
still have to put up with her shit.
I just can't. I complain about this stuff over and over again but nothing is going to change.
My best friend isn't here to listen either so I have to write it all down before I go nuts.
She has complete control over me and my life. I have no room to breath anymore.
I just don't know what to do.